Written by Jireh Deng
With the official start to October comes the anticipation of the holiday season around the corner and the inevitable desire to be close and snuggle up with a special someone. In these moments it’s hard not to feel your status in singleness acutely while scrolling past couples twinning for Halloween, kissing under the mistletoe, or appreciating their boyfriends on National Boyfriend Day.
I am reflecting on what it means for myself to have never been in a relationship or even been on a date. Raised in a Chinese American household, academics and extracurriculars were stressed over everything else except for church. Talks surrounding dating were nonexistent except in the context of family friends who were career adults seriously courting for marriage in our Christian community. With my parents, it was weird broaching the topics of sex-ed or , makeup, or saying “Hey mom and dad! I’m bi!”
Reaching college, I imagined myself free from the bubble that had been my conservative Asian community. Instead, I found myself reeling from the shock of a new environment and struggling to find my own identity in an ocean of diversity at CSULB. Freshman me was struggling to be independent and clinging to friendships she desired to complete her.
That is not to say that now, as a more seasoned sophomore, I don’t find value in relationships. In many ways, I find myself becoming more assertive and self-reliant in my leadership and personal and professional relationships. Being busy forces me to focus my energy on the quality of people I surround myself with instead of the quantity.
I tried to let Bumble run my dating life, desperately, for twenty-four hours, and became more stressed and phone anxious about strange colloquial terms in the dating realm such as “salad tosser.” And horrifyingly, as I attempted to procure a persona of ingenuity and interest, I began to realize my dating profile was beginning to sound more like my LinkedIn. I decided on meeting people the “old fashioned way,” starting with friends and sifting through to find someone who will make me feel brave enough to maybe ask them out.
There is also the matter of if I even could possibly fit a relationship between student government, TEDxCSULB, Honor Code, being a research assistant-- you get the point.
And in a sense, the state of my singleness could be a part of my own fault for rejecting people who are interested in exploring a relationship. In all these instances I have found myself reticent to fling myself into something committed with half-known acquaintances ( mostly creepy “I just met you” guys). But it is important to know that you won’t settle for someone who is, in my favorite terms, “an approximation of love” whether that is convenience by distance or desire. By just having friendships for practice, I know myself and how I thrive around people who are generous at heart, their love language being quality time and their outlook on life inspires kindness.
I may be “tragically single,” but this semester I have given myself the freedom and time to explore things that I may not have time for in a relationship. Thursday and Friday mornings I try to reserve for my surfing kinesiology class and I have unfailingly attended weekly poetry classes at ArtShare LA, a commute that takes almost half my weekend away. In all this time getting to know myself and how I interact with others is valuable growth for when the moment calls for a professional, friendly or romantic relationship.
This is a call to all my single folks to get thinking about what you are really looking for in relationships whether that’s friends, partners, or workplace. If you know what you want, yes it takes longer, but hey quality over quantity is essential for something as important as yourself. I try to always remember that relationships are measured by the exponential rate of time and time is limited. College is the only phase in life where we will have this chance to really delve into who we want to be and what we want to do before we have to adult, and it maybe it is the wisest choice to focus on self.
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